Trust is an essential key in any relationship. I’ve helped couples restore broken trust after an affair, financial dishonesty, physical and emotional abuse as well as constant lying over small things.
I’ve also worked with individuals to trust again after previous childhood trauma or relationship pain from their ex-partners and guided them on how to save a marriage.
There Are No Quick Solutions to Long Term Problems
Be wary of any clichés that promise quick solutions to rebuilding trust. We cannot expect trust to come back instantly. It takes time to restore broken trust, and the process cannot be rushed. What helps the countless couples I work with my online marriage program online, or one-on-one, is to have a plan to rebuild trust. The plan must be full of actions that the “wounded spouse” needs and appreciates, and includes what must be changed in the relationship for you to become closer. For more insights on how to save a marriage get my free report – 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage.
Evaluating Your Trust Account
Trust can be likened to a bank account with every person we meet we have an account of how much we trust them and vice versa, how much they trust you. Typically when we start a new relationship with someone we start a zero. Unless we have been badly hurt before and may, in fact, come into a new relationship with a deficit account, “in the red.” That happens when we have learned not to trust. The amount of trust increases in the account when your spouse does things that make you smile, show he/she cares, are thoughtful, share their secrets, keep their word and are faithful. On the other hand, when he/she break their promises to you, lie to you, hurt you or do other things that lack integrity they make withdrawals. It may be lying over something very small, yet if stacked up over time, small things can become big things. For many years your spouse can be making ongoing deposits into the trust bank account you have with them, and if things are going well, very few withdrawals. Then they do something that breaks your trust and all of a sudden your trust account plummets into a huge negative. I see this all the time with sexual infidelity, emotional infidelity and abuse. It can make you close the account permanently and end the marriage. or continue with the marriage but feel very insecure, second guess everything they say and do. Or, you may constantly evaluate if you are safe with them or not, which is emotionally and physically draining.
Trust is not like a light switch that you can just turn on again after it’s been turned off.
In order to move forward, you need a plan of action. Nothing someone says will allow for you to trust them again if it’s something important to you and/or if you do not understand why. Trust is not like a light switch that you can just turn on again after it’s been turned off. It is more of a dimmer switch that grows stronger over time. The mistakes I tend to see couples make, is giving verbal reassurances again and again, and then getting annoyed that their spouse is not making any changes.
How To Restore Broken Trust
- Telling the truth can rebuild trust
- Performing acts of kindness
- Giving quality time and undivided attention
- Explaining honestly everything about the betrayal or breach of trust
- Answering any questions, again and again, with patience and understanding
- Expressing appreciation in a meaningful way
- Showing affection, whether physical or not, to demonstrate how you care
How To Destroy Trust and Stop the Rebuilding Process
- Lack of responsibility, blame, deflection Lack of transparency and withholding information
- Further dishonesty, (especially after full disclosure has been asked for and promised)
- Refusal to talk about the breach of mistrust and answer any questions
- Lack of empathy and patience
If you have broken the trust of your partner in a serious way, to stop divorce you will need to avoid behavior that stops the rebuilding process. Continuing with secretive or defensive attitudes may deplete your trust account to an alarming level that destroys the relationship.
Ignoring the Past Never Works
The problem is, many couples will try to ignore bad behavior, and try to put the past behind them by not talking about it, but this never works. There is no way around it, you have to go through it. Often this can be an uncomfortable and sometimes painful process, but for lasting happiness, it cannot be rushed.
Outside Guidance Can Help Restore Broken Trust
Both in the couple need to be committed to the truth to honesty and to invest the time and energy in rebuilding the trust. This is where many benefit from getting some outside guidance on an action plan for rebuilding trust.
In the Save My Marriage program, I have couples outline what they value, love and appreciate most in a loving relationship, and get them to share examples to strengthen their connection and closeness. I talk about how to rebuild love and trust in the 10 Essential Keys to Avoid Divorce & Transform Your Marriage a FREE 40-minute video you can watch to start repairing any damage, stop divorce and become closer. A couple can settle for a marriage that has no trust, but it won’t be enjoyable or peaceful. It will be full of insecurity, drama and unhappiness. Who wants to live like that?
Mistrust As An Opportunity to Save Your Marriage
You need to see the mistrust as an opportunity to strengthen the marriage. I know that might sound crazy, but I have found it to be true by working with hundreds of couples. In order to have a great marriage, you need to focus on turning any crisis or challenge into an area of growth, where as a team you get through it.
I get asked all the time “Nicola, if there is no trust, does that mean the relationship is over?” It depends. If the trust was broken over something specific that has happened, the answer is “Yes!” Trust can be rebuilt, and the couple can stop divorce.
However, if you no longer trust anything they say in all areas of life, it will be much harder to save the marriage and stop divorce. Normally it will require the individual and couple to have committed marriage counselling or coaching on the lying before the harmed spouse can begin trusting again.
Broken Trust and Sexual Impotence
Lastly, I wanted to share about a man who came to me last week with the sexual problem of impotence. Impotence is common in relationships where trust has broken down. I successfully support many men and couples with impotence and other intimacy issues. Often, they come to me after seeing a doctor for the impotence, having been prescribed tablets that don’t make a difference. The reason the drugs don’t help is because impotence, like other sexual problems, is psychological and emotional – not purely physical.
There are three main areas in a marriage that need to be present for a good sex life, one is a trust and transparency. In order to be intimate with someone, you need to have total transparency. Hidden things in the marriage can often affect your desire for physical intimacy and dampen your sexual experiences.
For more insights on how to restore broken trust and salvage your relationship, visit the Save My Marriage Program site. If it is too late to save your marriage, you don’t have to go through it alone. You can find support through Pure Peace Coaching.
Nicola Beer is a Marriage & Divorce Transformation Specialist, best-selling author, and has been featured on ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox News Network, Huffington Post, and Wall Street Select. She works with men and women to save their marriage, increase closeness and improve communication.
Nicola watched her parent’s fight bitterly for 14 years until they divorced. During this time, she experienced firsthand the pain, heartache, and stress that comes from living in a hostile environment arising from infidelity. Her family didn’t have marriage or divorce support to help them resolve differences and create a happier future, instead they lived in turmoil. Recognizing the growing need for effective relationship support, Nicola’s main focus is on helping men and women create happier home environments.
Her approach is different from traditional marriage counselling. Nicola knows that bringing couples together to discuss old problems and past hurt is pointless, and can do more harm than good. Nicola focuses on actions individuals can take to increase the connection, intimacy and respect.
People from all over the world schedule private online or in-person sessions with Nicola Beer. Thousands also seek her counsel by joining one of her popular online marriage strengthening courses designed for busy women to do from the comfort of their own home or office.
Nicola Beer has over 14 years of counseling, coaching and crisis helpline experiences. She is familiar with the different cultural challenges associated with marriage and family life. She has lived in the Middle East for 10 years and has travelled extensively across the United States, Europe and Africa.
For more information you can reach Nicola via phone at +971 50 94 54 233, or through email at [email protected]