The only thing tougher than divorce, is divorce when you have kids. If you think your time, money, energy, negotiation skills, and your sanity is at it’s breaking point, you are not alone.

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18 Comments

  1. I’m very recently divorced. I have three kids and just settled into a nice apartment. With the divorce, I have 50/50 custody of our three kids, with the oldest being 11. All is good, I’m no longer walking on eggshells around the house, but I have one problem…the 11 year old.

    She won’t come over. She won’t speak to me. The other two come and are doing well. I don’t pressure them about their sister, but she refuses to even see me. I did nothing wrong!!!

    She’s in therapy and the therapist has told me to be patient and they will let me know when I can text her little messages.

    This is driving me crazy! I know my ex is part of the problem. This is MY BABY GIRL! She used to rush to me when I came home and the way it is today is ripping me apart.

    Any advice about how to keep my cool? I’m heartbroken and mad all at the same time!

    Reply
    • Joey: I HAVE LIVED IN YOUR SHOES. I’ve been there and trust me, it takes years to turn this around. I don’t know your situation but my guess is that either your daughter is just purely angry about the divorce and Dad leaving the house, Mom and the other kids all alone or there is some parental alienation going on. Losing the anger is key. Changing your heart is essential. You love your daughter with all your heart, I can hear that. The fact that she’s in counseling is a good thing. She’s working through her feelings and emotions and trying to sort all of this out, just as my oldest daughter had to do. If I could offer any advice to you at all it would be – RELAX. Be patient. Don’t pressure or even bring the subject up with the other kids. Let your kids know you love them. Ask your kids how their sister is doing. Always express your love for her, even to her siblings. Always keep an open mind when it comes to your daughter. When you do start texting, never ever talk about Mom or the divorce. Just your openness and desire to be with your daughter. Invite her to lunch or dinner. Don’t become angry or defensive if she doesn’t reply. Just keep the positive spin on everything that you do for her. It took me three years of open, positive, inviting dialog with my daughter to see her start to turn the anger into trust again. It will happen, but this too will take a lot of time, effort and patience on your part. This might be 10x harder than the actual divorce process itself. Good luck. We’re here for you.

      Dennis and the
      Guyvorce Team

      Reply
  2. Third time in 2 months and I’m pissed (out of 5 visits)

    She’s called with some lame excuse why she can’t bring them over today and either I need to come get them or wait till the next day!

    She’s over an hour away and we agreed to share the back and forth. This time she’s sick!

    Am I over reading into this or is she just screwing with me!

    Reply
    • Gerry: This is a tough one and one where the courts are likely to be of little help in enforcing the agreements that you have in place. It’s interesting that the courts and the systems are all set up to go after dead beat dad’s who don’t pay their child support (wage attachments, direct collection and distribution of child support payments, etc.) but when it comes to enforcing child visitation rights and responsibility, the court wants to have nothing to do with it. All we can suggest is to keep meticulous records of the events, reasons and incidents and if you need to go to court you have documented evidence of all the interactions or lack thereof. There is unfortunately no way for anyone to know whether your Ex is being truthful with you or not and there’s no way for anyone to make an honest judgement of the events and your Ex’s true motivations. We gave up mind reading years ago and failed to take the refresher course. Good luck with this.

      Dennis and the
      Guyvorce Team

      Reply
  3. This was the first year that I didn’t get to spend Easter with my kids. They were with their mother and her family. I get them next weekend, and I’m going to do Easter with them, at least the basket and candy part.

    I decided to tell my kids that the Easter Bunny came to my place, too, because the Eater Bunny goes where kids have a mom or dad that loves them. I figure that might work for Santa, too.

    Do you think the kids will be okay with that?

    Reply
  4. I’ve been divorced over 5 years and thought I was over the anger and nastiness from then. It was the worst time of my life. I never knew my wife could be so spiteful and vindictive. She dragged me through hell during the divorce. She’s evil.

    Now my 15 year old daughter is turning into her mother right before my eyes. I can’t hardly stand to be in the same room with her. by the time the divorce was over, I hated her mother. I don’t want to hate my daughter, but it makes me sick to be around her. What should I do?

    Reply
    • Damn. Frustrating, huh?
      The solution is not an easy one and takes more mental and emotional strength than most can muster.
      Regardless of how your daughter acts, be polite, be positive, be supportive. You don’t have to agree with anything she says or does, just let her know you hear her and you’re glad she has and expresses her personal opinion.
      One can only hope that some day, as she ages and matures, she’ll see the light and will realize how much of a great guy and a great Dad you always were.
      Good luck my friend. This is a tough road to hoe, but you can do it.

      Dennis and the
      Guyvorce Team

      Reply
  5. How can I get my child support reduced when I can’t afford a decent lawyer? The one I used for the divorce didn’t keep me from getting screwed. They’re even taking it out of my paycheck. I know dam well all that money isn’t going just for the kids. It’s not right.

    Reply
    • I was right there with ya! What helped me was the Internet. I just started plugging away looking for calculators for my state. Took a bit, but found one, along with several for others (marylands was online. Not my state but it was a good example).

      Then I laid out my budget to the penny and ran these calculators. I found I was $100s over what I thought was fair and right compared to these numbers. All this on my own and cost nothing but time!

      Then I paid a different lawyer for 1 hr to ask if I was on the right track. He was wishy washy, but I got the impression I was on right track (he was pushing to represent me).

      Now I’ve filed on my own. The court had some handouts to help. I’m pressing ahead on my own to file and get before a judge if needed.

      Not there yet, it’s a pain, but I’m trying! Will let you know!

      Reply
      • Darrin: Glad to hear you were able to find child support calculators for your state (we have calculators for eah and every state and D.C.) and were able to narrow in on a fair and reasonable child support payment amount. And, it’s good to do some sanity checks with attorneys but understand they are running a business and giving concrete, direct answers does not enhance their business model or business income. If you can get your soon to be Ex to agree to the child support your offering, you could draft a QDRO on your own, have both parties sign it, notarize it and have two corroborating witnesses and file it with the court. God Bless and good luck with this. You’re on the right track.

        Dennis and the
        Guyvorce Team

        Reply
  6. This is my first time posting here and I am not generally the type of guy that “shares” online, but I feel like I have to share this because I don’t know what to do. I first met my ex over 10 years ago through work and we quickly became friends. Nothing happened between us then and a few years later I switched jobs and we didn’t really keep in touch. Fast forward 3 years, she reaches out via Facebook and we reconnected and eventually started dating. Everything was good we ended up getting married and 2 years later had a little girl. It was amazing and I love my little girl too bits, the 4 years we were a family was the best of my life. Then 6 months ago it all blew up … My wife served me with divorce papers out of the blue and went for full custody with no visitation!!!!!!! Why you ask? Well it turns out my baby girl isn’t biologically mine!!!!! And she knew for a year!!!!!! My whole life blew up in a matter of hours. Basically, she had an affair around the time she was conceived and hid it all from me. Then a year ago the guilt of not knowing got to her and she had a DNA test done with my daughter and the guy she had the affair with and he was the father. My life has basically stopped over the last 6 months and I haven’t been able to deal with anything, but the hearing is getting closer and my lawyer basically says there is nothing I can do. Is this true?!?! Any help you guys can give me would be amazing. Thank you.

    Reply
    • This is definitely one to take up with your attorney! You are established as the father for your girl. In her best interest, does she deserve a break from her dad? No!!! Paternity test will grant him access, but should not deny her the right to see her dad….aka you!!!

      Reply
    • J: Man, this is a tough situation, but unless I am mistaken, regardless of the DNA test, you are the father to your daughter, maybe not the biological father but her father just the same.
      The court will generally rule for you to provide child support because you are the father. There is not much anyone can do to reverse this issue.
      As far as your daughter is concerned, be the best damn Dad you can be. Be supportive and positive throughout her life. The benefits are long on delivery but are worth the effort along the way.

      Good luck

      Dennis and the
      Guyvorce Team

      Reply
  7. First let me say that I’m a huge fan of the forum being added. Your site has been a big source of help for me over the past months since I found it, but I am looking to see if others are really going through the same shit as me with their ex.

    Ok, so maybe not ex, but she will be soon enough if I could only get the damn court to actually move on our paperwork (another issue).

    We split and are headed for a divorce because I was sick of her finding a new dude to shack up with anytime I had to go on a work trip to pay for the house while she sat on her butt, or pleased the neighborhood. That’s fine, it happens, and I’m looking forward to that being well behind me.

    But my kids are still feeling the pain from it. My work is busy, so it made sense for them to be with her during the week, and I see them on the weekend. Everytime I pick them up, they talk about “New Dude 1” or “New Dude 2” hanging out at the house or having a sleepover. WTF?!!! On top of that, one of the b*stards actually yelled at my daughter the other day for not picking up her mess. I’d kick his ass except he’s out the door for New Dude 100 now.

    Anyone else dealing with these issues with their ex in front of their kids? It floors me what they are living, but I feel powerless to stop her actions and their witnessing her train wreck of a love life. My lawyer says I’m stuck…unless they hurt the kids, wasted fight. Are you serious?! Is our world that f*cked up?!

    Reply
    • Hang in there Dave. Looks like you have a pretty rough situation going on there. Keep being a great dad and keep it together for your kids. They will remember it and appreciate what you are doing for them.

      Reply
    • Dave,

      The short answer is YES, the world is that effed up. My husband’s ex is doing the same thing to his kids, so we are trying to get custody. If you think your kids are in an unhealthy situation, you need to go for primary custody. it will probably cost money if your ex fights it, but if it’s better for your kids, then do what you gotta do.

      Maybe you’ll get lucky and your ex would rather have more time with her boyfriends that dealing with her kids, and will let you take them.

      Talk to your lawyer and make arrangements for daycare. Better your kids are with a sitter than a slutty mother, IMHO.

      Reply
    • Dave: Yeah, this world is that F(*&*ed up. Mom can do what she wants where she wants with whomever she wants and you have no say in any of it.
      As suggested, unless the kids are put into harms way, it’s a legal fight that’s not worth the aggravation, frustration or the expense to fight a LOSING battle.
      In the mean time, be the best damn Dad you know how to be. Never ‘dis’ their Mom in front of them. Never, ever, ever disrespect their Mother. Remember, regardless of how misguided or misdirected she might be, she is still their Mom. Show the kids that you’re above all the drama unfolding at their Mom’s house. Long term, the kids will respect you for it and will see through the chaos of their living condition and some day may CHOOSE to be with Dad rather than be with Mom and her revolving door of lovers. When that day comes, YOU, my friend, are the winner together with your kids.

      Dennis and the
      Guyvorce Team

      Reply

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